What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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