kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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