Where is the hickey?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
