I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
