flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
