I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
