How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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