Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
