I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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