She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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