I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
