you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
