tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
