I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
