You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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