I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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