the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
