i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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