Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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