So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
