I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
