rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
