Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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