Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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