Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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