from now on my penis is your penis
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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