So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
