I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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