My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
