Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize