brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
