May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
