i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize