I wish I could teleport
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
