Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
