1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize