I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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