you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
