I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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