im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
