I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize