I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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