I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
don't judge my taste in strippers
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Randomize
