Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
