paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
