walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
