I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
