Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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