Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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