My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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