She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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