sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize