Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
