Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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