im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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