Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
