Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I'm really busy with my period
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