Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
