I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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