Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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