you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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