Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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